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They need a Haaasband...or two, or three
Salt Lake City, UT - I have to admit. I was worried. I thought the city was going to suck, the US would lose and the people would be a bunch of bible beating dipshits. I seriously spent most of the week saying to myself “I can’t believe I’m flying to fucking Utah.” I’m god damn happy I was wrong. I HAVE to give that whole city gigantic props for pulling off such an amazing WCQ. They peppered the airwaves with soccer ads for both Real and US. They had tremendous media coverage, even putting the big ass flag on the cover of the Salt Lake City Tribune. And most importantly, they packed the stadium full of AMERICANS. Holy shit was that refreshing to see. No wait, that’s not what was most important….the US F’n WON!!!!
Well, big surprise. Salt Lake City is the coolest place on Earth. It wasn’t enough to have these kick-ass mountains circling the city… it wasn’t enough that the city streets were so spotlessly clean and every last lawn freshly mowed and precisely manicured… but the people there were actually (gasp)…COOL. Having said that, they are also delightfully clueless. An excerpt from a brief conversation with local Mormon, Mrs. Smith (how appropriate is that?) while waiting to get seated at the vaunted Village Inn on 400s:
Mrs. Smith: So what are you in town for? Me: I think Mormons are cool. Mrs. Smith: Oh, really? {excited } So you’re Mormon? Dimitri: No, he’s Atheist. Mrs. Smith: Oh….{ puzzled } You still believe in God though, right? Okay, I have to admit. That was kind of cute. But it got worse. Me: You guys have always lived here? Mrs. Smith: Oh, no, actually we just moved up here. We used to live closer to Las Vegas. Me: So this must be like your Mecca, huh? Mrs. Smith: Not sure what you mean Dear, what’s a Mecca? My head almost exploded after that one. Thankfully, the soccer crowd seemed to be a little more with it, which was a good thing. We didn’t get to hang out at the US tailgate too much since we were a little preoccupied with flipping off Ticos and driving around on the trolley tracks. They made some noob mistakes with the flag and had a hard time keeping up with some of the more ‘elaborate’ chants my boy Monty tried to get going. No big deal, especially since the rest of the stadium they filled the seats with American asses. My one singular bitch about the weekend was the event staff. Seems like everywhere you go, the stadiums all seem to hire staffers out of the same pool of fucksticks. It’s amazing. These mind-blowingly retarded bunch of asshats took our most beloved NJB possession, ripped it down and just crumpled/dumped it in the front row of seats before the Real-FC Dallas match. Needless to say, they lost it on us and I’d like to beat that smug little piece of shit event staffer that gave us attitude to a bloody stump. I’m sure Ed’s going to go off on this in the match report, but I felt the need to vent a bit.
For whatever reason, the chicks out in Salt Lake are HOT. Now I love my girlfriend Laura and wouldn’t trade her in for anything, but the fine ass bitches out there made me want to at least adapt polygamy. Is it the salt water? Is it a sin to be fat? Who knows, whatever you’re doing to your women SLC…keep it up.
Nik got bitten by a huge dung beetle or something out on Cantaloupe Island, which made me wonder:
So I'm the only asshole on the flight with 2 channels on a black and white TV.
Farmer Ed was the single coolest guy in all of SLC. Former neighbor of the one and only Karl Malone, this guy used to walk the Mailman’s dog when he was away on road trips. So cool was this guy [he let us onto the Mailman’s property since he had the code to his electric gate] I felt like I had to devote a little chunk of cyberspace to his memory. What Dimitri must have felt while trying to park our rental car is a lot like having sex with a fat chick. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and even though you still get it in there and got the job done, your friends will do nothing but laugh at you.
The atmosphere at Rice Eccles was fantastic, and proved to me that Salt Lake is one fine soccer town. Turns out these ‘newbie’ soccer fans still wet behind the ears don’t need any help to put on one hell of a show. So, thank you Salt Lake City, US Soccer, and thank you.. Chuck Norris. Who would have guessed that Salt Lake City is the coolest place on Earth?
-Special to the NJB. Rob can be reached at:
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I would just like to preface this column by thanking the gracious people of Salt Lake City for their tremendous hospitality. They are truly some of the nicest people in this fine country.
It seems that every time I travel somewhere, to me, it becomes the single coolest place I’ve ever been. Not sure what causes this condition. Perhaps it’s the realization of how much NJ actually BLOWS compared to everywhere else. No matter where you go, the food is always tastier, the air is always cleaner and the scenery always manages to outmatch the picturesque mixture of swamp, landfill and oil refineries that dopple our NJ horizons. It happened when I first went to Columbus. It’s happened in Maine, San Diego and Seattle. Everywhere I go is cooler than the last place. I must have the retention of a dead cantaloupe.
Do you think the people of Salt Lake had the same type of deer-in-the-headlight reaction to the Ticos as say a wild bear sneaking into your tent to raid the cooler?
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